Lost again

I live on the edge of a scream
A pale figure thin like cloud of steam.
I wonder razor sharpness of a dark abyss
While freedom and respect bark, salivate and hiss
Like hungry dogs or poison snakes
In truth just mundane fakes.
I hide in shadows from now on
Untill all those who know me are gone
I will be ready to creep out
When I'm bereft of all, left out
And noone's here to see me carry on!

One of the ends

Ignorance despite the wisdom of this world,
Importance of excruciating pain,
Decisions, values and desires to uphold
Or get entraced by shining blade and slice my veins.
A simpleton a coin I flip
Heads - die, tails be reborn.
But universe devours my choice
The coin never to return
Consumed by blue, unfinished sky
And there I stand without my voice
Consumed by world's emotions
Not prepared to go through the motions
Of what it means to die... 

Social electrons

My family - a mesh of remote drones
Plugged in by wire, waves or through their bones
With powerful and colorful wave of artificial noise
And voice, and looks based on my choice
I hate my family and I love them most
When I login to mother-host
I gain identity, tenacity and boldness
To achieve what in my real body I did not profess
Confessions through text messages I send
To an auto-bot priest as on bytestream I descend
Into abyss of wires, attachments and fleshless lust 
But then a jolt wakes me up, rude and fast
I tear the wires off and with my flesh
I disconnect into the air singing fresh
I loose my family but gain myself
Between the one and zero I no longer dwelve
I am free, but also I am alone
Amidst interconnected world the only one no longer mindless drone!

All that stuff

It is amazing that I feel


What gives and what remains the same.

Each second frozen 'till I spill

Its putrefied, but elegant remains

Onto the days that bleach

The endless path, eternal reach

Of each of us - pathetic stumble to the end.

Oh, my beloved, closest friend,

How I loathe thy absence at this turn

Of shapeless, ugly, pitiful events

That spit on us and so we burn

And then repeat this endless dance!

Oh, my one and only love,

Where are thou amongst the foes?!

Forever lost, I am bereft of stuff

That used to make my being worth -

The love,

The warmth,

And your eternal thought

Eternity has passed, but never I forgot

The deepness of your eyes!

I say that any sacrifice I'm ready to uphold;

But when it comes to truth -

I am afraid,

My actions are no longer bold,

I am incapable of anything but empty words

That sing of sorrow in pitiful discord.

This acrid helplessness,

Benign, but impotent belief,

Is killing me!

And right before I'm done and stiff,

I hope to see you, oh my friend!

And you my love!

Before the curtain falls,

One time with you I'll stand,

Your smiles, eyes and all that stuff...

Rebirth

Move, squeeze the juice out of the joints
The dark filaments, the liquid bond
Flowing fast and brutal; lost among the points
Of absolute mechnical joy of no return!
Faster, blinding, blazing, breathtaking speed!
An absolute emotional and acid force
Punches hard until I fucking bleed;
Until the world is damged,
Even worse,
Until the soul is lost between my bleeding lips
Intent on staying shut
As I snarl up curses at all your harsh, unnecessary quips
Bent into the fat of this land.
Andrenaline! I race between heartbeats
Against the clock, against the wind.
Acrid smell of sweat as panic sweeps
And pushes hard, face flat into my sins!
Face flat,
Crushed teeth,
And bloodied nose
I've seen all this,
I've seen beyond and worse,
Desires crumbled and joints broken,
Destroyed, all filaments ripped and torn,
Still words I squeezed before your bile you have spoken:
"Get another slave and let me be reborn!"

Questions

So what is it going to be? Is it over, or the torute just began a new leap, a new circumferential step, an attack against my naked brain? I am lost. Every day that I wake up, take a shower, eat vitamins, excersize, get derssed, go to work, eat lunch, more work, come home, come again, come fucking again. I wonder - what is the point? Is it the craving for respect or attention? Is it the warmth of someones hand on your forehead, or a curl of fine hair caressing your back? Is it the wet, juicy kiss of warm, beautiful lips or a gentle, drowning look of so much beloved eyes? Or is it the frown, the hate, the anger, the neglect, the disrespect, the pain, the sorrow, the emptyness, the question - what is the point?

Or is it you besides and despite all of those things? Are you worse than heroine? Is it my addiction that makes me a depraved, hapless and ultmately lonely man that I am? Or is this just a pathetic excuse to cry, to whine, to complain, to excersize the right for paranoia?

Or...

Or...

Or...

And it is all of it and more, and it is nothing of above and less. The only truth I know is that I am lost. I clearly see my soul entagled in the web of despair. I see it suffocate in the prison of social retardation, the hopes, the needs, the lust, the purity of the excused sins.

This life seems to be just a mastrbation while watching the intercouse of free will, listening to its moans, its pleas, caress and almost touch.

So say we all.

Sharp edges of absolutes

At the edge of everything
An absolute of The End.
In the corner of an eye blink,
There I stand torn and bent.
I write these words,
With cliches all around;
And your crooked, dull swords
Beating me down.
I wonder for the infinite time
I ponder this life
When you are so fine
With your stares like knifes!
There is no one to listen
No one to hear my song.
I know not when this bliss ends,
But it has lasted for so darn long.
I got no strong shoulder,
My back is broken and skewed,
I file away my life's folder
Full of mistakes, don't look...
At the edge of nothing,
A flawed, repeated start.
I see your eyes laughing
And tearing me apart.
And har, har, har,
And tears,
The midless, sticky tar,
Simplistic, carnal fears.
The edge, the absolutes, all wind,
Again I coil and hide within...

I still breathe

Drip, splash, another drip
As silence at my ears rips,
As madness crawls within,
It smiles gently, droolling, thin.
I smile back, I laugh and cry
And then I simply fall and die.
Noone to see the endless fight,
The infinite and piercing scream,
And pain that I endure within.
Confused reality, abate!
I'm tired of this senless hate,
Depressing thoughts,
And no way out.
One step forward, million steps back,
I stress, I weep, get ruined by a heart attack!
I lift myself again, n-th time I try,
But then my time runs out
And again I die.
Drip, splash, another drip,
As birds my empty body rip,
Deaf to the madness,
Its coarse frown, clean white teeth.
In sadness I realize that I still breathe.

Beware

It is amusing,
Yes, I know!
Cnfusing even
To the point
Where all I feel is empty sorrow
And pain is also quick to join.
Absorbing their entrenching looks -
Demanding, daunting stares.
Despising absolutes I took
And given everyone to share.
So go to hell - the selfish fiends
Of my skewed, scorned creation,
Take what is left of my torn soul
And eat it till you are belching.
Damn you! I have no other words!
Begone and leave me brooding!
But if I am back another time,
Beware, 'cause I'm shooting!

Tired man

A gentle kiss of gun barrell -
Uselles attire, apparell,
Unfair, but achieving sense,
A consensus through innocence.
Tired man walks the plank,
Dies before the plunge, not a fake.
Not a hero, but betrothed to fate,
Craving wisdom, too late...
He's asking for sorrow and advice,
Caring for all of you - his only vice,
Loving another - the only sin,
Dyin alone - choice made on a whim!
A circumference of a cold imprint -
Gun, ready to discharge, primed to win.
A step that speaks beyond all words
As he holsters his dreams,
Steps into the cold...

Intercourse

We share nothing
But how come we live together?
It is fun to have a sexual intercourse,
A kiss, a hug, a smile of course.
Beyond those things there is abyss
Of everything that I will miss
In the other that I used to know,
Less lust, more love and sorrow,
And warmth, and intellect,
And.., but the rest I will neglect,
As you caressed me.
Ready, set and go!
We finish as one whole,
But love is here no more!

Fuck It

Tired,
Wearing attire of feelings,
Concealing anger
With fangs dripping heart ache.
But sometimes I feel like
Fuck It!
Drop the useless fake!
Danger
Of getting people
In trouble
Beyond their imagination.
Fuck It, because I am dying,
Wearing the same smile
Full of excuses.
A little comfort you've been abusing
To get yourself higher
At my steep expense.
Retired,
I am free now.
Dispensed,
Dislodged into shadows
Cast by greatness of others.
I am empty of worry,
Relieved of sarcasm,
Naked and breathing,
Still tired,
Not dying,
But trying...
Ah, Fuck It!

Memorial at the mirror

Why do I believe, that you are

All it takes?

You are that which will break…

I am that which will never find

The love, the strange attractor

Wave of happiness,

A quantum of a smile,

A half-excited state of beauty.

In exile,

Striving to see through fake of

Clever, proper, awful words

It spoke to me, in poetry and flowers.

It wants

To free myself, from me and you and us.

Like broken glass

It splits my wrists to find a golden flow

Of love.

Too slow,

Crash and burn and all that stuff...

I listen to my favorite song,

One amongst the million I've chosen for that role.

I'm hanging on a pole -

A naked soul that cares not,

And shares not,

And dares not,

But swears lots at all your lot...

And I know I will not believe

That you is all it takes,

And you will never break,

And I will always find

The love, the beauty, the spinning glory

In the world as it surrounds me.

Don't you worry,

Don't you dare!

Let me be!